My brother Jon Andrew Hampton was called "Andrew", always. When the funeral director called him "Jon" I almost punched him in the mouth. Andrew was always "Andrew" to me, altho I know his best friends called him Drew.
I hated him for most of my life! He smelled and he annoyed me and... I just thought he was gross. It wasn't until he was 19 and I was 22 that we started to become friends. And then he died.
When I was 18 my best friend from adolescence killed herself. She took too many anti-depressants and then added a chaser of lighter fluid. Andrew's best friend was her little sister, Kristin. ( Kristin, Andrew and Audrey had been best friends since 4 th grade.) Two years later Kristin took her life using virtually the same method, substituting her mother's anti-depressants for her own prescription.
This was a huge event in Andrew's life and how could it not be?
In 1990 or so when I was at the UW, Andrew started telling me about memories he was having, really strange stories that were like that movie "Jacob's Ladder" I was pretty sure they never happened. He took a lot of LSD and other hallucinogens. And this was the manifestation of his craziness.
Sad story - he ended his life in 1992 when he was 20.
He was a really remarkable person. He was a writer, a photographer and who knows what else he could have become. He was extremely cool.
Andrew's photos - his medication and self portrait
Here is a story he was working on, it's labled "first drafts". I think he had to write it. It's dated 5-24-92, he had 5 more months to live. I keep it with his small parcel of writing, some of it is truly frightening. He would mock me to know that his writing is one of my treasures! I keep it all in a bag, in the closet.
(spelling is edited by me. also he didn't use much punctuation so i added where needed. kmc)
Where shall I begin. There right there
We were sitting in the quiet room of Stevens Memorial Hospital waiting to see Kristin. Waiting to see her souless body lying on a cushioned hospital bed. We knew that she was dead. We all knew that she had left us for good. But we didn't want to believe!!! We didn't want to believe it. I knew she had died.
I was sitting in class. Creative writing. Sitting there wondering about her. Waiting until class would end so I could drive over to the hospital, to see my friend who was doped up on all the morphine she could take without killing her 17 year old body. So I was sitting there fourth period. Almost through the day. All of my books from the last class and the class I was in piled up in front of me..waiting. Watching the teacher speak about something nevermind I thought nothing to listen to. I think I'll look around the classroom for beauty. While I was staring at each student's face, looking down each row as the class room was set up in a square. Inevitably all of the students could see each other's faces. So I'm looking at each boys girls face in turn. Weighing in my mind their aesthetic value when the vice principal walks in, looks at me. Then the teacher. The teacher nods. Unspoken words passing between them. And the vice motions to me. Me I think me he wants me. Not totally suprised but a small part of me thinks what is it he wants. So I gather my books and walk towards the front of the room. Behind each row of people. Looking at the floor. Listening to the sharp click of the heels of my jack boots on the linoleum floor. Each step counted by my mind. Each step looked at and heard by each and every member of the 25 person class. Everyone knows but me I thought. I reach the vice and he opens the door for me. Sunlight and chill wind take over my body. We walk over the threshold and out into the day, he puts his arm around me and guides me towards the office.
We had talked about this before. The school counselor me and the vice. About what would happen if she were to die or if her chances were to fade. You would be granted a pass to leave school grounds by telephone from your parents. Fine I said Fine.
We reach the office and my friend. Our friend Kristin's and mine, Audrey is crying hysterically in the counselors office. I thought I knew what had happened. Deep down I knew what had happened and I didn't know what to think. Death has touched us. Death has greeted us. No one is safe it takes 17 year olds into the abyss and won't let go. But possibly the living suffer more than the dead. For we go on. Living day to day Hour to hour. Feeling the loss felling the pain of someone walking out of a door and never coming back. Never seeing that person's face again except in memories or hallucinations or dreams. Never seeing them. EVER. That is what the living have to deal with.
Crying hysterically Audrey wanted Kristin. Tears coursing down her face. Her brown curly hair looking frazzled from her hands running though it. She cries and carries on. I go to soother her. Should I sing should I talk. I talk. Tell her things. Good things. Slowly she calms down and looks at me. WE were going to grow old together.! she says the whites of her eyes are bloodshot from crying and she looks so tired. So tired of waiting and expecting and hoping. And this is it. This is the big one. Its been dropped death is there here with us now!
Audrey is calm. I have accomplished what I have tried to do. She is sedate. I call her mother so she can leave school grounds with us to go, see her. I tell Margeret what's going on. Oh no she says. Oh no her voice dropping quietly. You have to talk to the counselor so Audrey can leave school grounds and get to the hospital.
I hand the phone to the school marm and she talks quietly to Audrey's mother for a few minutes. I don't listen I kneel in front of Podger her knees crossed tightly her leg shaking nervously. I lay my head in her lap and quietly think to myself what I have to do for myself. Get out of here I think. I stand and walk stiffly out the door to call my Dad. I call. No one is there I call my mother long distance in Olympia. Not there. I go back down the hall to talk to the vice who is conversing quietly withe counselor. I can't get a hold of either of my parents. They also look very tired as if they lain in that bed with her waiting to die. Shot up with morphine 4 tubes in EACH LUNG. I have to get to the hospital I say to them the two school officials.
You can't they say you need a proper excuse. Then anger races to my brain from somewhere in my toes. No I will leave whether you like it or not. I will go. I will walk out you cannot stop me.!
The vice looks down at the floor wearily and tries to explain to me school policy. Fuck it I think my hands clenching into fists at my side Fuck it fuck them.
I have to leave I think. As if she were leaving her room as if she were to somehow get up and walk down the hall talking cheerily to patients on wheel chairs her hospital gown flapping open in the breeze she creates as she walks down the halls waving happy alive.
Finally after a few minutes of deliberation they grant me a pass out of this school. Out of this social prison. Out of this small haven for drug dealers and festering little twerps.
I walk to the office that Audrey was in to see if she wants to come with me to the hospital. No she says quietly forlorn. Her senses evacuated. Nothing there anymore just numb! No as she sets down the phone in its cradle. I'm waiting for my mom to get here she's going to take me there as soon as she arrives. Are you sure I say Are you sure you don't want to leave her a note saying you went with me? No I'll wait. Ok I say Bye. We hug each other with all of our strength. The two of us amid this official little office with it's computer and add drop slips and books on child psychology. We'll grow old together I say. We break apart She nods. Her face so sweet so alive yet devoid of emotion not sad not happy just devoid of emotion. I turn to leave and as I reach the door I turn to look as I see her standing on the threshold of the office looking at the floor not seeing no hearing devoid. I open the door. Again greeted by something kind.
JAH 6/16/72 - 10/4/92
P.s. Audrey is the mother of two. We see her randomly at Andrew's grave...
